There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
