Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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