If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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