Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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