im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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