The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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