do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
