I am spending my child support on dildos
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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