I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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