i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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