No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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