i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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