My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
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Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
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Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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