I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
