I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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