Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
