No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Watching her eat just hurts me
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
