My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
