There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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