last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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