I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
