It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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