so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
