I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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