we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
