just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
