true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
