I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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