I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
