sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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