I faked an abortion last night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
