one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
