Ketchup is God's man juice
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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