This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
