is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
