we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
