I'm so fucking centered right now
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
