Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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