I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
