weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
