guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
