I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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