Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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