I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
