I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
