dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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