I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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