I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
