I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
