"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who died my cat blue again?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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