I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
