his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
do herpes really smell.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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